Mobile games today are a vast improvement over the hundreds of thousands of Java crapware that ruled the Symbian days. However, even today, there are many absolutely terrible mobile games that are as fun as being given an enema by hordes of demons. These are games you most certainly, most definitely should not spend any time playing.
Okay, hold your nose and come on
Kim Kardashian Hollywood
I wrote about demons and here we have a game starring Kim Kardashian, funny how that worked out. KKH is a soulless game that uses colour, cutesy charm and the vacuous abyss of celebritydom to suck you into paying for in-game stuff that, if your mother knew you were buying with real money, would get you disowned on the spot. It is just that terrible.
Instead, why don’t you play: Super Hexagon
Dungeon Keeper
EA is like that fun friend you had when you were a kid, who, as you grew older, turned into an alcoholic who you cannot rely on and is only fun for the first three minutes when you meet him once every six months. For every awesome Mass Effect or Dragon Age game, EA also gives us dung like Dungeon Keeper, a game that obliterates all respect for the franchise by existing as something whose sole function is to be a black hole for your money and time. Avoid like a literal, real world dungeon.
Instead, why don’t you play: The original Dungeon Keeper on the PC
Candy Crush Saga
Ugh. Chances are someone in your family likes this horrendous excuse for a game which speaks to its accessibility. But that’s about it. The gameplay is so derivative, that I was surprised I couldn’t scratch off its name on my mobile screen to reveal the words ‘BEJEWELED’ written underneath. And then, you have the kitschy graphics and music and the fact that you may end up with diabetes just by playing the game. Of course, there are also in-app purchases. So, yay.
Instead, why don’t you play: Bejeweled Blitz (Android, iOS). One, it’s got the original name. Two, it’s faster paced and doesn’t have the unironic saccharine poison of Candy Crush Saga.
Angry Birds GO
This one’s on the list not because it’s a terrible game but rather because it is a well-designed, addictive, good looking game, that takes the liberty of politely wrapping a garrote (SYMBOLISM! Free to Play elements) around its own neck and then pulling the two ends so tightly that it’s only able to let go of a gasp (SYMBOLISM! Actual Gameplay Time) once every couple of hours. Mobile gaming deserves its Mario Kart and unfortunately this isn’t it.
Instead, why don’t you play: Beach Buggy Blitz (Android, iOS)
RollerCoaster Tycoon 4 Mobile
This one hurt. As a 14 year old, I spent quite some time playing the original RollerCoaster Tycoon game on my PC. And now, I have this version that not only asks for money upfront but then has the temerity to ask for more money to actually let me play. You know what Atari? You might as well reach back in the past and punch my 14-year old version for having some faith in you and this world.